WAITING…TRUSTING…SURRENDERING
It has been a while since I have written a personal blog about me and not my ministry but I feel the need to share my struggles and my triumphs and the Lord’s FAITHFULNESS through it all. This world is full of struggles…full of suffering…full of high’s & low’s…Life is constantly changing… At any moment we could get a phone call that changes everything…I find that I frequently must remind myself that this is not my home (but heaven is). Daily I find the need to FIX my eyes on the Christ as He is the Author & Perfecter of my life.
Song: I can Just Be Me
By: Laura Story
I've been doing all that I can
To hold it all together
Piece by piece
I've been feeling like a failure
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever be
It's just not me
So be my healer
Be my comfort
Be my peace
‘Cause I can be broken
I can be needy
Lord, I need You now to be
Be my God
So I can just be me
I feel like the past month I have just been pounded with HARD STUFF physically, emotionally, & spiritually…The song that kept coming to mind was Strong Enough. I did not feel that I was strong enough for all that God was giving to me to handle, process through & walk through these past few months AND the truth is I am NOT strong enough but In CHRIST I can do all things & through Christ I will be given all the strength I will need.
Strong Enough
By: Matthew West
You must, You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do on my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy, won't You cover me?
Lord, right now I'm asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us, yeah
Well maybe, maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
'Cause when I'm finally, finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up and reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy, won't You cover me?
Lord, right now I'm asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
'Cause I'm broken, down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and You are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
I don't have to be strong enough
Strong enough
One of the biggest struggles the past month has been the continued struggles with my health. The struggles with my health have actually been a 2 year battle…with few answers still to why or whats going on…This has led to frustration…worry…depression at time… I have to constantly lay my worries & concerns at the foot of the cross…I have to remind myself who the GREAT PHYSICIAN IS! I have to look back & remember how FAITHFUL God has been in the past with my health & though it took 12 years of waiting for answers…countless doctors…unnecessary surgery… for relief for my headaches/jaw problems…God provided. So I am at a place of daily trying to surrender my health problems to God…Trusting He will give wisdom & guidance to the doctors…That He will provide HEALING & restore my health. Scripture says that “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful & effective.” One of the songs that I have come back to time and time again for encouragement because it is packed with TRUTH is the song Healer by Kari Jobe.
Healer
By: Kari Jobe
You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, I trust in You
I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe
And I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
You hold my very moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, Lord I trust in You
I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh, I believe
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
When I was at the ID doctor 2 weeks ago (my first appointment with a new ID doctor for a second opinion) the doctor looked at my medical history from the last 2 years (Haiti has not been kind to my body)…He looked at me & asked if I had a death wish going back to Haiti…He could not understand why in the world I would even consider going back let alone be determined to. Here is the thing…From a worldy perspective I would be crazy to return to Haiti but from a Godly perspective I would just be following the call God has given me. Scripture never said following Christ would be easy…in fact it is the complete opposite. Christ came to this earth & he suffered more than we could ever imagine and look at Paul or in that matter all the disciples…If you look through church history men and women of God were not shielded from hardship, pain, suffering or hurt. Here are just a few scriptures…
“If any of you wants to by my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me.”
Luke 9:23
“More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
Rom 5:3-5
“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.”
James 1:12
“For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.”
Hebrews 4:14
“My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
2 Cor 12:9
Blessings
By: Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
(Chorus)
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Chorus
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
Chorus
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Another struggle this past month was receiving news on 2 separate occasions that one of my sweet precious Miriam Home children went to be with the LORD… Losing a child never gets easier…Their will always be a whole in your heart till we are all re-united in Heaven…I always find it is harder being stateside then when I am in Haiti surrounded by the staff & kids…
“Heaven gained 2 more of our precious kids from the Miriam Center over the past few weeks...first Ti-Cuban and a few days ago Ti-Stevenson. What Joy it was to get to know them both... to love on them...to learn from them...to help make them visible on this side of heaven. My heart is broken that I will not to get to hold or love on either Of them Again on this side of heaven (selfish I know but man did I love those boys). But I can only imagine them fully healed in their glorified bodies in heaven brings a smile to my face... They each touched so many lives by showing & teaching so many about Jesus through being just who God created them to be. My sweet boys say hello & play hard in heaven with your brothers & sisters who were waiting for you ( shamma, Jezilla, Sarah Rou, Rachel, Derson, Sandley, Ti-Jimson...along with so many others). I can only imagine the freedom, worship, fun you all are experiencing!
Please pray for the entire Miriam Center family. For the staff who lost 2 children they were parents to and for all the kids who lost 2 brothers. Pray that we all can keep a heavenly view knowing & remembering this is not our home but heaven is! That we all turn to The Lord to find peace, comfort and daily strength as we learn to live without so many of our precious kids on this side of heaven.” My Facebook update
I will never forget the day Ti-cuban came & joined the MC family...Watching Nahum Lallemand, Presidfue & the other staff fall in love with him & decide that the Miriam Center would be his new home. When Ti-cuban arrived there there were no smiles...no emotions...he was dirty, hungry & scared. The staff immediately took him, gave him a bath, got him food, and began loving on him before a decision was ever made if the MC would be his new home. The pictures below were taken 2-3 days after he arrived. We had still not seen any emotion or smile until Nahum sat all the older kids down on the patio & introduced them to their new brother then went around & had each of the kids give him a big hug. As you can see Ti-cuban got the biggest smile when he got hugs from his new brothers & sisters. There is definitely power in a hug and in love!
Ti-stevenson quickly stole my heart 3 years ago with his cuddly self…smile…and adorable laugh. At lunch (before I got word about Ti-stevenson passing away) I got the JOY and privilege of sharing his story with 2 co-workers...I had just got finished saying how I could not wait to get back to Haiti & cuddle with this little man...I am sure going to miss him ALOT! But Rejoicing knowing he is whole & free from ALL limitations & pain. Momma Autumn Misses you my Little Man!!!!
Lord I thank you that I am not in this ALONE but that you are WITH me and FOR me.
Song: I am Not Alone
By: Kari Jobe
When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear
I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me
In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear
You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own
You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul
I received news from Haiti that my house had flooded & molded…That some medical bills were not covered by insurance…I had lots of unanswered questions…uncertainty…fear/anxiety had tried to creep in…sorrow had tried to linger…exhaustion had overtaken many days…Honestly I could keep listing more but thats not the point. The point is that trials had come and I had allowed my Joy & Peace to be stolen on multiple occasions because I did not keep my eyes FIXED on Christ. I tried to be STRONG through it all but it took me completely breaking down today & feeling like my world was caving in on me to feel God’s presence closer than ever…I found God when I feel apart.
Song: Fall Apart
By: Josh Wilson
Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know You when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise
Now it all seems upside down
(Chorus)
'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to now You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
Blessed are the ones who understand
We got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You
And it all seems upside down
Chorus
I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing
That has ever happened to me
Devotional that really spoke to me this week as I barely had enough energy or strength to make it through a day…I felt so weak physically, emotionally, & spiritually…
“My beloved, I know you are tired. My strength is the perfect match for your weakness. I never grow fatigued or weary. I never lack the energy to accomplish My purposes. Praise me for my unlimited strength. When you re weak and you praise me, you give me the opportunity to showcase My power. So don’t be discouraged by your weaknesses; instead, praise me that I promise to sustain and help you. I will hold you up in the moments when you feel you cannot continue. As you praise Me, My spirit will pour strength into your soul and you will feel renewed energy rising.” The 30 Day Praise Challenge Day 2
Waiting…Trusting…Surrendering…These are just 3 of the many words that God has been teaching more about the last month.
1.) WAITING
So here I am waiting…Waiting on test results…waiting on dr. appointments…waiting on answers…waiting to know when I can return to Haiti…waiting to know if I need to work another travel assignment…waiting to know if I need to let my interns know they can’t do their internships under me because I won’t be in Haiti…waiting to know when I will get to hold my kids again…WAITING…
Song: While I’m Waiting
By: John Waller
I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait
And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait
I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait
And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait
In general I would consider myself a pretty patient person but the last month God has really revealed to me that actually I am NOT very patient at all when it comes to WAITING ON THE LORD. I grew up in a here/now…instant gratification society. When I am hungry I can go to grocery store…better yet throw something in a microwave & have food in a minute or I could go to a drive threw & get instant hot food. When I have a question I can just google it and have access to instant information. I want or need to go somewhere I can just get in my car & go. If I am thirsty I can go to a sink in my house and get a clean glass of water. If I am dirty & want to clean up, I just go the bathroom & enjoy a running/hot clean water in a shower…INSTANTLY. Living in Haiti has taught me ALOT about WAITING and PATIENCE and how spoiled I am in America. Most of the world does not have access to instant water…they don’t have running water…many walk miles just to get drinking water & that water typically isn’t really safe to drink but that is all they have. If they want to bathe they have to bucket water to bathe or find a river or stream (there is not hot water unless you build a fire to boil it.). If your hungry you have to make something which first involves going to find food, making a fire, cooking it, etc. AND many who are hungry can’t afford food so they go hungry. If you need to go someplace you probably have to walk to a tap-tap station…wait on a tap-tap, crowd in the back uncomfortably to go off-roading with 12-15 other people till you get as close as you can by public transportation then back to walking. A place that would take 10 minutes to get to in the United States might take an hour or more. Haiti has taught me to WAIT…Be PATIENT…to appreciate the luxurious I have access to in the states.
BUT I realized I don’t know much about Waiting PATIENTLY ON THE LORD. The Hebrew in Palm 40:1 says I waited and waited and waited PATIENTLY for the LORD…
I love the second half of this verse because it says that when I WAIT PATIENTLY for the Lord He HEARS me… God has heard everytime I have cried…He has heard every prayer that I prayed…He KNOWS my hearts desires & longings AND as I wait for His TIMING & His ANSWERS I will SERVE & WORSHIP Him
“I waited PATIENTLY for the LORD and He inclined his ear to me and heard my cry.”
Psalm 40:1
The thought of not going back to Haiti when I expected & not knowing when…immediately puts me into tears…My life revolves around my ministry in Haiti. I have spent 7 years of my life building relationships with the Haitian people & living life with them. The children of the Miriam Center have become my children. Being away from them is one of the hardest things…I long to hold them, to sing with them, to sit on the floor playing with them…I long to complete a bedtime routine playing games with Andy in the itty-bits room, rocking Job to sleep, snuggling with Bertho in bed, ticking Lounide, kissing Niaka’s forehead, signing worship songs with the boys & praying, sitting on kem & Minute to make them laugh, and just sitting & talking with the night moms. I long for my crazy daily routine of therapy…I miss supervising students…I long to be at outreach from 1-3 working with each of those beautiful families that God has lead to the Miriam Center. My heart is just ACHING…
I read the following devotion the other day & it spoke right to my heart…God sure does have perfect timing even in the small things like what you read & when you read it…
“My child, I understand how hard it is for you to wait. You long for me to move more quickly and to answer your prayers immediately. When you feel irritated and annoyed because things are not moving fast enough for you, take time to praise me. Praise will help quiet the apprehension you feel. Be still in My presence, and wait patiently for ME to act. I am fully aware of all of your longings and desires. Don’t take matters into your own hands. I am the Alpha and the Omega. I will move on your behalf as precisely the right moment in time. Thank Me that I am using delay to shape and change you. Often the longer you wait for something, the more deeply you appreciate it. Delay helps prune impulsivity from your life. Declare your trust in My timing. Choose to believe that I am on time in your life, your spouse’s life, your child’s life, and your friend’s lives. As you exalt Me, I will strengthen you to wait with grace.” The 30 Day Praise Challenge Day 6
“Be still before the LORD & wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways…”
Psalm 37:7
“Take delight in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm. 37:4
“All my longings lie open before you LORD my sighing is not hidden from you.”
Psalm 38:9
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
Luke 11:9
2.)TRUSTING
So here I am TRUSTING God…Trusting His timing to be perfect…trusting that He has me exactly where he wants me for such a time as this…Trusting that He will bring HEALING physically, spiritually, & emotionally…Trusting that He is ALWAYS with me…Trusting that His Love never fails & never gives up on me…Trusting that He will NEVER give me more than I can handle…Trusting that He will give me enough strength to make it through today…Trusting that I will be home in Haiti soon back to serving Him at the Miriam Center… I read the following devotion the other day and it really spoke to me…
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
Song: Tis So Sweet To Trust Jesus
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”
Refrain:
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.
“My child, I am the LORD who does not change. People & circumstances in your life continually change, creating undercurrents of anxiety. When anxiety threatens to overwhelm you, come to Me and praise Me that I am holding you ever so tightly. When the waves of life roll around you, cling to Me as the One who never changes. I am Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today, and forever. Praise Me continually, especially during tumultuous times. When you dare to praise me, I will strengthen your confidence in Me as your rock. I am your refuge and strength, and continual help, even during seasons of transition. I am your security. My presence goes with you through every changing season. Do not fear tomorrow; I am already there. I lovingly call you to new adventures. Change in your life doesn’t happen by chance. Nothing can thwart my plans for you, plans for good and not evil. In the midst of this changing world, I am constant and never change.” 30 Day Praise Challenge Day 5
Song: Your Love Never Fails
By: Jesus Culture
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
But you have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
you stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but Joy comes in the morning.
And when the oceans rage
I don’t have to be afraid
Because I know that you love me
your love never fails
The wind is strong and the water’s deep
But I’m not alone in these open seas
Cause your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I’d reach the other side
But your love never fails
You make, all things, work together for my good.
You make, all things, work together for my good.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Isaiah 40:28-31
“Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.”
1 chronicles 16:1
3.)SURRENDERING
Lord, I surrender ALL to you…I surrender my Health…I surrender my Ministry…I surrender my kids…I surrender my outreach/therapy programs…I surrender my family & friends…I surrender my longings/desires to be in Haiti now…I surrender my plans…I surrender my future…I surrender my desires…I surrender my will…
Song: Surrender All
All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
Refrain:
I surrender all,
I surrender all;
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!
I come to you broken…weak…tired…knowing that you heal me…strengthen me…and empower me to face each day…
“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. For I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burdens light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
I praise you LORD that when I don’t know what to do…You know! So Lord I surrender ALL to your STRONG & FAITHFUL HANDS…The following songs words are my prayer…
Song: When I Don’t Know What To Do
By: Tommy Walker
Lord I surrender all
To Your strong and faithful hand
In everything I will give thanks to You
I'll just trust Your perfect plan
Chorus
When I don't know what to do
I'll lift my hands
When I don't know what to say
I'll speak Your praise
When I don't know where to go
I'll run to Your throne
When I don't know what to think
I'll stand on Your truth
When I don't know what to do
Lord I surrender all
Though I'll never understand
All the mysteries around me
I'll just trust your perfect plan
Bridge
As I bow my knee
Send Your perfect peace
Send Your perfect peace Lord
As I lift my hands
Let Your healing come
Let Your healing come to me
Scripture says in Proverbs 10:21 “Many are the plans of the Man’s heart, but it the LORD’s purpose that prevails.” LORD I pray that I would WAIT upon you…That you would give me wisdom & guidance to know your plans & purposes for my LIFE…I pray that like Jesus I would only go where you go…stay where you stay…pray what you pray Lord… just like the song below talks about…
Song: Where You Go I Go
By: Jesus Culture
Where You go I go
What You say I say
What You pray I pray
What You pray I pray (repeat)
Jesus only did what He saw You do
He would only say what he heard You speak
He would only move when He felt You lead
following Your heart, following Your spirit
How could I expect to walk without You
when every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without You
for You only are worthy, You are always good
You are always good
Where You go I go
What You say I say God
What You pray I pray
What You pray I pray
Though the world sees and soon forgets
We will not forget who you are
and what you've done for us,
what you've done for us
I pray that each and every morning when I rise that Jesus would be the first thing I seek. Give me Jesus LORD you can have all this world just give me Jesus! (song: Give me Jesus By: Jeremy Camp)
I will CHOOSE to turn to Jesus…He knows me…He cares..He loves me more than I can ever comprehend. Faith is believing that no matter what my circumstances are telling me…The God of the universe Loves me unconditionally and He knows me Perfectly…I will choose FAITH!
I don’t know what my future holds but I know with me clinging to Jesus I can face whatever!
So Here I am Simply WAITING…TRUSTING…SURRENDERING to my Savior…And BEST FRIEND…JESUS…
Song: What A Friend We Have In Jesus
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful,
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there.
Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
Thou wilt all our burdens bear;
May we ever, Lord, be bringing
All to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright, unclouded,
There will be no need for prayer—
Rapture, praise, and endless worship
Will be our sweet portion there.
ME FULLY SURRENDERING!!!!
