The week before leaving for Haiti I flew to Nevada for an interview at a school district out there. The interview went really well, the job was offered and I went into my Haiti trip praying about it and leaning towards this is what God was calling me to. What is better than being able to work with kids at a school district during the school year but still be able to be in Haiti in the summer working with my kids. Seemed like a perfect plan and God did open the door for this job opportunity.
Well, God shortly after arriving opened up the door and possibility of working with another mission organization call “No Boundaries International.” It would be an amazing opportunity to do what I love in Haiti on a global scale. I would move to Oklahoma where I would find a full time OT job to pay off my school loans loans. I would still be able to continue being the Miriam Center Occupational Therapy Coordinator and I would also be working for No Boundaries International to help develop what I have been doing in Haiti on a global scale. I would write articles to be published letting people know what is available for therapist and therapy students to do outside the US, I would help create videos to be sent to therapist and therapy schools educating them on what is available. I would also be helping develop a blueprint of what a rehab technician program looks like in a 3rd world country and developing a curriculum for it. I would be trying to set in place opportunities that therapy students can do their level 2 fieldworks in developing countries. Those are all things I would be helping with related to my field of practice but I would also be growing spiritually by going through missions training, growing spiritually in daily worship times, and serving in the inner city and globally with No Boundaries. I would be working with a group of people who are spiritual leaders and spiritual role models to me. I would be helping develop a new program called In Their Grasp which is a new program No Boundaries, Courtney and I have begun developing while in Haiti together.
After weeks of prayer and discerning God I have made a decision about my future for the next year. It has been the hardest decision of my life with much wrestling with God, tears being shed, conversations with Godly people, time in His word, as well as Him speaking to me threw His word, other people, Christian books, songs, and in his still small voice.
I had 2 amazing options that both had there perks. The decision was hard because both would take me out of my comfort zone, both would allow me to continue to pursue my passion for missions and continue working in Haiti, both would challenge me to go deeper in my faith. I kept going back and forth.
My 6 weeks in Haiti were instrumental in making my decision and preparing me to be in a place to make such a big decision. God really broke down a lot of barriers and walls I had put up and provided some pretty amazing people to walk me threw this process (THANK you to each and every one of you!). I can sit here tonight and tell you I am a very different person today than I was 6 weeks ago. I am much more aware of my weaknesses, my struggles, and my fears that hold me back from having a deeper relationship with God. I have seen God move more in the last 6 weeks and seen just HOW BIG OF A GOD I serve than I could have imagined.
One thing God really revealed to me was how prone I am to business and how I don’t know how to slow down a lot of time…or what that looks like. It is very hard for me to just rest in the Lord and take time away to do that. God has been revealing to me how integral that is for my walk with Him and for me to be able to serve. When I got home from Haiti I was drawn to the book “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha world.” It opened my eyes even more to the danger of busyness and how that looks in my life.
I came home from Haiti already with a broken and shattered heart for the fact I had to leave the place I love being the most in the entire world, the children I love, the work I love…to come home to so many unknowns, so many To-Do-Lists waiting for me, so many big decisions to make, and so many big life changes. NOW to continue to wrestle with this BIG Decision. I know the Dream God has given me, I know the path to it will not be easy. I know there will be twists and turns BUT I also know there is a lot for me to learn along the way. Sense being home busyness has already been a struggle…that mile long To-DO-List is always staring me down as I try to pray and sit at God’s feet. The burden of studying for my national board exam and the overwhelming amount of information to store away in my memory…as well as the idea of sitting threw a 4 hour test!
A sermon I always come back to with BIG decisions is one I heard a few years ago and it was given by Andy Stanley. He said every decision we make can be made by asking this question “What is the wise decision based on you past, based on your present, and based on your future hopes and dreams?” If the decision is not wise in all 3 then it is not a wise decision. Well, I have been asking myself this question for weeks now, comparing my 2 options and they both seemed wise…until I looked at them in the view of business….my struggle.
God revealed to me yesterday that it would be a real struggle for me to balance everything in Oklahoma right now. I would still be working as the OT coordinator for NWHCM, then working with No boundaries and on top of that having a full-time job. I struggle with balancing things as it is, and feeling guilty when I can’t poor 100% in everything I do. Selfishly I wanted to take the Job in Oklahoma. I was trying to figure out how it could work, I was alright with sacrificing a pediatric job for the opportunity to pursue missions more deeply. I could see myself growing in leaps and bounds in my faith working and serving with No Boundaries in Oklahoma. I know they would force me out of my comfort zone, teach me new things, and we would be able to do amazing things for God threw His power and leading.. BUT the more I prayed about it the more I heard Him say “Not now”… Really are you sure God because I can see how this could work, look at all we could do, it seems like the perfect time, all the pieces are falling into place, the doors are opening. Again “Not now”….Alright so what exactly does “Not now mean?” you are not to move to Oklahoma right now…. BUT you can work with them. “Trust me, my child. I have your ultimate good in mind”
In the book “Living a Mary life in a Martha World” I came to this paragraph
“What is it about us women that creates such a desperate need in us to always “know” to always “understand”? We want an itinerary for our life, and when God doesn’t immediately produce one, we set out to write our own. “I need to know” we tell ourselves. “No” God answers softly, “you need to trust” OK GOD I GOT IT….You are not going to give me every detail…I am not going to have everything in order before I make my decisions….the unknowns are ok. “Trust me, my child. I have your ultimate good in mind”
Over the last few weeks God revealed to me how even though He has called me to take the job in Nevada and he has opened so many doors there already and sent me confirmation even in the first few hours after making a decision. when I finally made the decision…in the back of my mind I was worried, what if I fail my boards, then I can’t take the job...well, God took that fear away when I found out in Nevada even if I fail I can still practice while I study to retake my test on a temp license. What a huge relief, I don’t have that extra pressure or stress. BUT there are still so many unknowns, so many things I just don’t know how they are going to work out…Fears….BUT I MUST TRUST…I must do what like Hebrews 11 says I will go BY FAITH.
Just as I began to settle in with the reality that I made a decision (because many of you know I don’t do that very often) and that I was moving across the country to Nevada…just as I felt like I was getting this Trust thing with God down…I received an email that the job in Nevada fell through. That the school district in Fallon no longer was going to hire an OT but wanted to hire a COTA because it would cost them less…BUT…God had already opened another door. A neighboring school district had a position open. BUT that job I would be the only full-time OTR in the district…”God I can’t do that, I am not qualified…I have never worked in a school-district…I don’t know the paperwork, how to write an IEP, how any of this stuff works….” FEAR began to grip me…I was overwhelmed…what do I do??? Finally I heard God saying STOP! MY CHILD STOP! I closed one door but opened another door…Yes, you are not qualified but who is qualified?...Do I not qualify the unqualified?” After spending sometime in prayer and talking to some family and friends I realized God closed the door in Fallon for a reason and opened the door in Douglas County Schools for a reason. I don’t know what they are but I know I serve a BIG God with bigger plans than I will ever know. A God who has gone before me to prepare the way for me…A God who will walk every step of the way with me…A God who has my ultimate good in mind.
“He knows the journey is difficult, He knows life is rarely fair. Jesus fought the same frigid winds of distraction, discouragement, and doubt that keeps us from knowing God’s love. But like the Father, he longs to gather us in his arms. He longs to trade the flimsy blankets of our one self-sufficiency for his all-sufficiency. The Lord Jesus invites us to cast our doubts, our fears and anxiety upon him, to discover how much he really does care. Trust me, my child, he whispers. I have your ultimate good in mind.”
Trying to Trust GOD! Hear his whispers…Cast my cares upon Him, lay my fears at his feet, Trust the unknowns to Him and RUN HARD this path he has opened up. I am excited to see what the next year brings, how I grow, where I go, what he teaches me, who I can serve. Thank you guys for all your prayers and support as I sought God to make a decision.
My analogy for life has been life is a dance and God is constantly teaching us new steps to dance with Him. Not only am I getting ready to learn tons of new dance steps but I am also going to a new “unfamiliar stage”…The audience is all new (what a huge responsibility to shine God’s love)…My support system is not sitting in the audience but instead they are sending flowers, encouragement letters, and prayers from afar. I know they wish they could be here. I also know that my dance instructor never leaves me that I can always look to Him if I get nervous, if I get scared. If I mess up I know He will be there to gently correct me, to show me my mistake and walk with me threw it. He is willing to work with me for hours till I get each step down…And just as I perfect that dance…well, I know He is eager and waiting to teach me a new one! My BIG GOD also LOVES to DANCE A LOT! I have the best dance partner ever.
2 songs that really spoke to me yesterday….
Unbreakable- Fireflight
Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight, can?t face me in the light
They?ll return but I?ll be stronger
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can?t see to reach my destiny?
I want to take control but I know better
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
Forget the fear it?s just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
I’m Letting Ago- Franscesca Batistelli
My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back
Chorus
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone
Chorus
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me
Thank you for your prayers and support and for joining in my dance of life! Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to try to Trust…as I study for my boards and take them July 23rd…and as I prepare to move to Nevada the last weekend in July! A LOT of change occurring but focusing on my BIG GOD who NEVER CHANGES!
Pictures from Nevada where I will be living :)
